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110% Is Just Too Much

Being dedicated to something is always a good thing, but if you go into something giving 110% from the start then don’t be surprised if you go too far.

Here’s some examples, some true, some not, some known, some not.

Tried as hard as I could to please the bosses…now I’m doing two people’s work without any extra incentive.  That never happens when women offer to blow their bosses.

Said I was willing to do anything to stop drinking…now I only do butt chugs.

Wanted to start talking less shit to people…didn’t talk to anyone for eight hours.  Talked a lot of shit about the people I wasn’t talking to.

Decided to join my neighborhood watch program…got in trouble for “peeping” through my neighbor’s windows.  They’re fuckin’ up to something, and now they’ll get away with it.

Wanted to use “offensive” words less often…used a lot of less offensive words surrounded with curse words.  My friend with Turrets found it offensive.  

Wanted to be less of a clean freak around the house…I think I see malaria in my toilet.  

Wanted to cut expenditures to save money last month…saved a lot, but now I’m without electricity.  Masturbating in a candlelit room isn’t as romantic as it sounds.

Wanted to stop masturbating for a week…watched ”The View” every morning for a week. Still can’t get it up.

Wanted to do some volunteer work…quit my job to help retarded people.  Found out it’s not politically correct to call foreigners retarded.  I’ve never understood politics.  

Started volunteer work with mentally challenged kids…talked with some of them and realized how unfair life is.  I understood them way better then I did the foreigners, yet they’re the retarded ones?  I fuckin’ hate politics.

Decided I need to stop being so nice all the time…still helping mentally challenged kids, but now we play Boggle instead of Candy Land.

Wanted to donate money to a charity…wrote them a check their bank couldn’t cash.

Said I’ll never use the word nigger in reference to black people…called at least 50 white people nigger last week.  I’m white, so it’s ok when I call them that.

Wanted to get in touch w/ my feminine side to understand women better… started asking pointless questions and cuddling w/ my pillow after masturbating.  Now I’m even more confused, plus I think I just queefed.

Wanted to understand the gay community better…got drunk and kissed a gay guy.  He then called me a faggot.  It’s ok cuz I think the rules for using that word are the same as with the “N” word.  But it still hurt.

Vowed to practice safer sex…somehow skipped contraceptives and have been involuntarily abstinent since.

Decided to compromise with my vow of safer sex…slept with a stranger instead of someone I already knew.  I’m only 50% sure that stranger was a whore, but 100% sure women I know are. (Math doesn’t lie: Whores do)

Wanted to get better at picking up on women’s signals…an elderly woman ”dropped” her teeth on the floor, then pretended to need help picking them up.  Bending over all slow and seductively.  Nothing happened!

Decided to do the things I’ll eventually have to do, now, so I won’t have to later…yeah, I banged the old skank.  And I learned a lot too; like racial slurs I’d never heard before (which was awesome), and how important it is to stay hydrated when you gotta constantly spit on it.  Oh, and apparently you can get rid of crabs by simply letting them die from old age/natural causes.        

Obviously, most of those examples happen all the time, everywhere you go.  It should be clear to you now that a half-ass approach is usually less dramatic then giving it your all.  Now I’m not saying you should be more lazy, but I’d recommend you try.  For safety reasons though, I feel obligated to tell you that sleeping with strangers is definitely NOT safer than sleeping with people you already know…if you’re under 16 and home-schooled.  Otherwise, it’s probably safer than sleeping with people you already know (mathematically speaking). 

Those Tall People

     From an early age I was taught by my mother to treat everyone equally.  Infact, the only word that was never allowed to be spoken in our household was the “N” word.  I tried to type it out just now but had to delete it and replace it with the letter.  Now I’ve had my moments of anger where obscene slurs have slipped out of this dirty mouth of mine, but I have never felt hatred towards a group of people as a whole.  Or at least I never realized it until now.  At the age of 29, I’m sad to say that I am prejudice.  Not against a race or nationality.  No, my harsh feelings are towards a larger group of people.  Tall people.

     It might come as no surprise that I’m short.  Short as shit I’m told.  But, my mom’s 5”2’ with a 4 inch poof, so who is she to judge?  Bitch.  I’m currently 5”7’ and 3/4 of an inch (or so I tell people), and I’ve “grown” a quarter inch every year for the last 3 years.  If you want to be a dick and run the numbers you can figure out my “actual” height, but that’s something I don’t discuss with strangers.  Or anybody really.  Lucky for me most of my closest friends smoke a lot of weed, and the one’s who don’t, well, I’m not sure why they’re so dumb.  So, they haven’t caught on yet, and probably won’t until I hit 5”9’.  All they know is that I can’t see on top of most conventional refridgerators, and that the top shelves of my cupboards are always empty.  Unless my younger brother is being a deuche and decides to hide the fatty cakes up there.  He’s 5”10 (and a real asshole for that) but doesn’t want to be mentioned in detail in any of my blogs so…his name is Brian Myers, check him out.

     If you’ve heard some stereotypes about how short people are mean, bitter, and have “Napolean complexities”, well fuck yeah we are, and fuck yes we do!  It’s not our fault though.  It’s those tall people’s fault.  Ever heard any tall jokes?  Me neither.  And I’ve been trying to think of one since the 5th grade.  Oh but there’s thousands of short jokes out there.  I’ve only heard a handful or 2 because like I said my friends are retarded, but I’ve heard those same jokes thousands of times.  What those special kind of idiots lack in creativity they make up for with repitition.  Even one of my new favorite comedic writers, Rob Delaney, had written (tweeted) a “short” joke awhile back.  This is what he wrote, “You’ve really got to hand it to short people.  Because they often can’t reach it.”  What a dick!  That shit is funny as hell and made me laugh hysterically at my own expense.  Just to be clear, he’s only a dick because he’s like 6”3’ or somewhere in that area (as he boldy brags about it in his twitter bio).  But before I ramble on anymore, I want you to know that even though these prejudicial feelings of mine have just recently been discovered, it is a lifetime of torment that has made me this way.  And I don’t hate tall people.  I just don’t want none of those people standing near me.  Now some people say I’m insecure about my height.  No shit.  But only when tall people are around.  Some people say that’s odd, and that most men’s insecurities revolve around cock size.  Well, if the day comes where society deems it acceptable to walk around while floppin around then I’ll probably start being prejudice against black people.  Until that day comes I’ll continue to love black people.  Granted, I’m still going to lock my doors when I go to KFC, but that’s not being prejudice.  That’s being precautious.  Don’t worry, I’m not racist.  I lock my doors when I go to the Mexican restaurants too.  

     I should rap this up before I ramble any further.  Tall people just seem to bring the worst out of me.  The only joy they really bring me is there akward clumbsiness.  And bumping their big fucking heads on doorways, which no matter what happened previously in the day, it is always the highlight of it.  But, they usually duck, ever so arrogantlly.  Show offs.  I guess it’s time to go for now, but I’ll end this with a joke I recently wrote that might explain why I have these feelings towards the “talls”.  “My whole life tall people have chosen to stand next to me in an attempt to make me feel like less of a man.  I know this for a fact because I do the same thing to midgets.” -Jerry Myers

P.S.  Don’t none of you short motherfuckers steal that. 

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As of right now, the earliest memory that comes to mind would be my dad telling me that he’s not pissing in the shower, as he’s clearly pissing in the shower.  I was really hoping for something a little more pleasant, such as an early Christmas, or birthday, or really any imagery that didn’t contain piss and a penis.  The next time I see my dad I’m calling him out on this. 

You are looking at the new HARDLEY 2012 Dyke Bike from its newly formed Sleazy Rider collection.  This one of a kind prototype was custom made for the biker who needs laid.  If you’re one of those bikers who are sick and tired of spending ridiculous amounts of hard earned drug money on foreign oil/gas, this ride runs on an American made fuel alternative.  She runs off of a mixture of grain alcohol and crank, so it’s definitely fast and a bit loud, but it’s stability is questionable at times.  Unfortunately, this is not a cost efficient alternative to foreign fuel, but if you’ve ever paid big money for a seasonally skilled hooker then you know this is one ride that’s worth every penny, (we don’t accept pesos).  For those of you guys who have always wanted to ride a dyke fast and hard, you still can’t.  But, it can easily be converted to the man’s Hoggy-Style Sleazy Rider by merely removing the baggage that would otherwise separate the biker from the ass-tank.  Overall, this is one fuckin’ ride that is tough as nails that takes the right kind of person to handle/tame it.  However, you can’t just mount it and go, like it’s the village bicycle.  It’s recommended that you warm it up, get a feel for it, and go around the block a couple times before you go balls to the vaginal walls; otherwise, you’re risking a backfire that can cause serious bodily harm. 

Coming soon:  For those of you people who want to take this bitch out for a ride but don’t want to look like Magilla Guerrilla while doing it.  Well, we’re proud to be the first to announce that HARDLEY will be introducing the Sleazy Rider Flopper Chopper later this year.

Coming 2013:  The guys at HARDLEY are currently in the beginning production phase on their new edition to the Sleazy Rider collection, for the homosexual demographic.  Inside sources tell us that HARDLEY is planning on introducing this revolutionary bike as The Tea Bagger because of it having a totally different kind of choke than any bike before it.  It’s also been rumored that a new line of gay-friendly leather/latex products will be introduced shortly before the bike.  Products will consist of everything from ass-less chaps, to handbags, to multipurpose dipsticks, and much more to come. 

Drunk, ashamed, and about to cry, as if I just lost my best friend.  This must be the face I make when I’m too drunk to get it up.  Oh well, it’s probably a good thing nothing happened that night.  It wouldn’t have worked out with her anyways.  I got the impression she had a drinking problem. 

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