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Those Tall People

     From an early age I was taught by my mother to treat everyone equally.  Infact, the only word that was never allowed to be spoken in our household was the “N” word.  I tried to type it out just now but had to delete it and replace it with the letter.  Now I’ve had my moments of anger where obscene slurs have slipped out of this dirty mouth of mine, but I have never felt hatred towards a group of people as a whole.  Or at least I never realized it until now.  At the age of 29, I’m sad to say that I am prejudice.  Not against a race or nationality.  No, my harsh feelings are towards a larger group of people.  Tall people.

     It might come as no surprise that I’m short.  Short as shit I’m told.  But, my mom’s 5”2’ with a 4 inch poof, so who is she to judge?  Bitch.  I’m currently 5”7’ and 3/4 of an inch (or so I tell people), and I’ve “grown” a quarter inch every year for the last 3 years.  If you want to be a dick and run the numbers you can figure out my “actual” height, but that’s something I don’t discuss with strangers.  Or anybody really.  Lucky for me most of my closest friends smoke a lot of weed, and the one’s who don’t, well, I’m not sure why they’re so dumb.  So, they haven’t caught on yet, and probably won’t until I hit 5”9’.  All they know is that I can’t see on top of most conventional refridgerators, and that the top shelves of my cupboards are always empty.  Unless my younger brother is being a deuche and decides to hide the fatty cakes up there.  He’s 5”10 (and a real asshole for that) but doesn’t want to be mentioned in detail in any of my blogs so…his name is Brian Myers, check him out.

     If you’ve heard some stereotypes about how short people are mean, bitter, and have “Napolean complexities”, well fuck yeah we are, and fuck yes we do!  It’s not our fault though.  It’s those tall people’s fault.  Ever heard any tall jokes?  Me neither.  And I’ve been trying to think of one since the 5th grade.  Oh but there’s thousands of short jokes out there.  I’ve only heard a handful or 2 because like I said my friends are retarded, but I’ve heard those same jokes thousands of times.  What those special kind of idiots lack in creativity they make up for with repitition.  Even one of my new favorite comedic writers, Rob Delaney, had written (tweeted) a “short” joke awhile back.  This is what he wrote, “You’ve really got to hand it to short people.  Because they often can’t reach it.”  What a dick!  That shit is funny as hell and made me laugh hysterically at my own expense.  Just to be clear, he’s only a dick because he’s like 6”3’ or somewhere in that area (as he boldy brags about it in his twitter bio).  But before I ramble on anymore, I want you to know that even though these prejudicial feelings of mine have just recently been discovered, it is a lifetime of torment that has made me this way.  And I don’t hate tall people.  I just don’t want none of those people standing near me.  Now some people say I’m insecure about my height.  No shit.  But only when tall people are around.  Some people say that’s odd, and that most men’s insecurities revolve around cock size.  Well, if the day comes where society deems it acceptable to walk around while floppin around then I’ll probably start being prejudice against black people.  Until that day comes I’ll continue to love black people.  Granted, I’m still going to lock my doors when I go to KFC, but that’s not being prejudice.  That’s being precautious.  Don’t worry, I’m not racist.  I lock my doors when I go to the Mexican restaurants too.  

     I should rap this up before I ramble any further.  Tall people just seem to bring the worst out of me.  The only joy they really bring me is there akward clumbsiness.  And bumping their big fucking heads on doorways, which no matter what happened previously in the day, it is always the highlight of it.  But, they usually duck, ever so arrogantlly.  Show offs.  I guess it’s time to go for now, but I’ll end this with a joke I recently wrote that might explain why I have these feelings towards the “talls”.  “My whole life tall people have chosen to stand next to me in an attempt to make me feel like less of a man.  I know this for a fact because I do the same thing to midgets.” -Jerry Myers

P.S.  Don’t none of you short motherfuckers steal that. 

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